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This page is for SuperFan Applicants – Original is sent to blog, book is published.

As a reader or writer here is a short journey I hope you enjoy as you experience improving my next book with your feedback to the author at the bottom of this page.

For a few minutes fancy yourself as the publisher’s trusted editor who has just received a new book from his best-selling author. Determine the book’s strengths and weaknesses by assessing how well the title, synopsis, first sentence, and first chapter work together. Realize you’re betting your company’s time, money, and future success on approving what’s submitted . . . or recommending improvements or . . . recommend killing the project. And since the book is scheduled for release by November 1st, please send me your feedback quickly.

Title: As an editor, first consider the candidate title submitted by the author. Does it intrigue you enough to cause you to pick up the book to read the book description on the back cover or turn to the first page?

Centurion Witness

Synopsis: Below is the author’s candidate story description intended for the back cover. Is it a story you’d be interested in reading?

The centurion is a seasoned warrior of Rome’s frontier army, decorated for saving the lives of ambitious generals, yet haunted by the harm he caused during a recent battle. His last assignment is to again be a bodyguard for the powerful. Quickly he is entangled in the security conflicts between Rome’s governor in Judea and its religious leaders who want Jesus of Galilee killed for sedition. The immediate political and religious struggle for control of the body of Jesus propels the centurion to guard his tomb.

1st Sentence: Now, does the first sentence below in chapter-1 draw you into reading the first paragraph? Do characters and action keep your interest until as you read on?

Chapter 1 — Good Deed

Near the Salt Sea

The centurion’s chin kept dropping to his chest, triggering him to shake his head and force his eyelids open. Having ridden for twenty hours to reach the Jordan River and climb above the warm shores of the Salt Sea, the centurion could not avoid sleep any longer.

At an oasis beside the road running south to Jericho and Jerusalem, he spotted the most defensible position. It was an instinctive skill drilled into him during his first campaign that had saved his life then, and many times during the subsequent twenty-five years.

While his horse and mule drank their fill, the Roman officer stripped off his tunic and washed the sweat and stench from his body. Finished, he lifted his loincloth and peeled the damp dust-crusted bandage from around his right leg. Each time he shook the linen cloth loose, he grimaced. After slowly uncovering the swollen lump a hand width below his beltline, he swore. “Shit!”

Using vinegar, as the doctor had told him, he wiped away a slow-moving finger of gray pus. The smell is worse, he thought, stepping back and fanning his arm to chase away the foul odor.

When the animals began jerking their reins, looking for forage, he dressed and guided the mounts past the palm trees, limping from the stabbing pain in his right thigh.

Up a short brush-choked path, they passed through a gap in the rock cliff only wide enough for a horse to squeeze through. There, he would only have to confront a single enemy at a time if things went poorly.

With his animals hobbled and fed, he tossed rocks away from the spot where he would rest. Then the Roman positioned his fighting gear, almost like a ritual, in case he needed some of the items in a hurry.

He began by setting down his brass fighting helmet. His belt with sword and battle-ax followed along with his plate-metal shirt. Then he laid his three-foot-long, oval shield face-down on the ground so he could quickly slip his arm into the leather holding straps. Tugging, he verified each metal-piercing javelin was snuggly hooked to the interior sides of the shield. Finally, he set down his bow and quiver filled with arrows.

But he kept his hob-nailed sandal boots on, including the razor-sharp dagger strapped above his right ankle.

Satisfied, he placed a small clay idol by his rag of a pillow and prayed. “Goddess Disciplina, allow your servant a few hours of peaceful rest.”

Sleep came quickly but his prayers were not answered. Soon the image returned that had haunted him since the bloody ambush near the Arabian village.

The woman with glowing eyes chased him through dark narrow streets, getting closer with each stride. When she began hurling fire at him and howling, he knew he could not escape.

The centurion jerked awake partially from the nightmare and partially from shouts by people.

Opening his eyes, he was surprised to see two brown and white goats in the gap a few feet from him. He was about as surprised as the animals, staring at him with faces appearing to wonder why he was in their way. Peppered by a handful of pebbles the animals ran back to the oasis.

Careful to not be seen, the army officer slowly raised up and looked over the nearby bushes. Below and off to his right, men were watering a large mixed herd of sheep and goats. Straight ahead, the women and girls had set up a large tent and were unloading cooking items from a cart pulled by an ox. Several families.

Coming down the road to his left, young boys hurried toward the late-afternoon camp with baby lambs slung across their shoulders. Little ones that had tired and not been able to keep up with their mothers.

Unconcerned, he started to lay down. But he stopped after spotting a nearly transparent smudge of dust drifting out of a gully a half-mile away. When a string of fifteen riders on camels charged out of the dry streambed toward the oasis, the Roman grabbed his fighting gear. Bandits!

By the time he crawled through the gap carrying his shield and battle ax, the sword-waving camel-riders arrived. Three immediately forced the women out of the tent. Meanwhile, all but one of the other bandits dismounted and threatened to slash the men if they did not do as they were told.

Moving silently down the trail to the tent, the centurion considered what he was doing. Better to die doing the right thing than live with what I did in the desert.

The lone rider angled his camel toward the cowering herdsmen. “Quiet! Or I will tie you up and let the jackals tear you apart tonight!” The apparent leader of the troop pointed his curved saber at the oldest herdsman.  “You owe my tribe tribute for crossing our land. I will leave you a sheep and take the rest of the animals.”

“We will starve,” the old man replied.

The rider waved his hand. “I understand. As a kindness, I will leave you two sheep.” The other thieves laughed.

Behind the leader, a pregnant woman was dragged out of the tent. She started screaming as two men forced her onto her back followed by the third one kicking her legs apart.

“Take all our animals,” the old herdsman pleaded. “But do not harm my family.”

The leader sheathed his sword and looked around. “Where are your guards?” When the cowering men lowered their heads, the bandit smiled. “Jews, you should have hired bowmen before moving to new grazing fields.”

The old man held up his hands. “Please sir, we are just poor shepherds. My granddaughter is with child. I beg you to set her free.”

“Do not try to fool me about who you are. You oversee your rich master’s land, assembled from poor bankrupt farmers. Only a few of these animals are yours — Yes?

“I do what I have to, to protect my family.” He dropped to his knees and held his hands toward the leader. “I will become your slave. Please release the girl.”

The bandit shook his head. “You would not make a decent slave.” He pointed at one of the boys. “But that young one might. So too, the one next to him.”

<<< >>>

At the end of the narrow trail, the tent hid the centurion from view by the three men threatening the woman on the ground. Surprise will give me some advantage. He rose and raced around the tent toward the men molesting her.

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End of sample section.

What Worked or Not: So editor, using the comment form below or the contact form, please take this opportunity to tell me what worked or didn’t work for you in regards to the title, synopsis, and the beginning of chapter 1. Any comment will be valued and appreciated. Especially, learning what didn’t work for you!

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From: Author Ed Mitchell
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